Take It In...

Mari Alexis Schaeffer

Yesterday, my friend and I attended the funeral of a recent graduate of Greenville College.  Beginning a post with that sentence grieves me deeply.  A recent graduate.  Class of 2012.  She was 26 years old, and suffered from an illness that, until just a few days ago, I'd never heard of and even now can't pronounce properly:  scleroderma. Scleroderma, or systemic sclerosis, is a chronic connective tissue disease generally classified as one of the autoimmune rheumatic diseases.  As with most chronic diseases, the effects of scleroderma range from mild to severe.  For Mari, the disease took her life.

They called her funeral a "Celebration Service," and the family's faith in God was inspiring and contagious.  This precious child who had suffered for so long is now free, in the arms of her Savior and Lord, awaiting the arrival of all those who will follow after her.  Those who led the service reminded us often of Mari's desire that all would come to know and love Jesus.  For Mari, showing people the way to Jesus became her life's goal.  She turned her suffering into a platform for showing others the love and mercy of God and the hope that is ours in Jesus Christ.

Since yesterday's service I've found myself deeply in thought about Mari, about her journey, and my own. I suppose it just makes sense -- the longer you live, the more you experience all the "stuff" of this mortal life.  All the stuff that makes us human and vulnerable in so many ways.  All the stuff that makes us laugh and cry and grieve so hard and so deeply that we think we will die ourselves.

I've discovered something along this journey.  While we cannot avoid suffering and death, disappointment and anger, rejection and sorrow, we DO have a choice.  We can choose not to let it all in.  We can choose to protect ourselves from it.  We can put up some pretty elaborate defense mechanisms.  We can rationalize and spiritualize it all.  Or, we can choose to FEEL.

A precious young woman has passed from this life to the next.  I could have gotten to know her better when she was a student, but I didn't.  I knew her, but I didn't REALLY know her.  How I wish that I could change that, but I can't.

What I CAN do, is choose to let life in, the good and the bad, the joys and the sorrows.  I can choose to let PEOPLE in -- with all their pain and sorrow and suffering, all their passions and dreams and visions.   

It will most certainly hurt.  No one knows this better than Jesus Himself.  Jesus took it all in, which is really the only way to truly love people.  And He's asking us to do the same.  To really love each other.  For His sake.  Because He loves each and every one of us.

Take it in.

When it's time to let go...

Letting go.
God has been taking me through a season of letting go, helping me see that I am at the point of my spiritual journey where letting go is essential to freedom.

Letting go of normal.
Letting go of expectations.
Letting go of results.
Letting go of impressing others.

Letting go of comforts.
Letting go of false securities.
Letting go of people.
Letting go of appearances.
Letting go of who gets the credit.

Letting go of who I thought I was.
Letting go of the limitations I put on myself.
Letting go of the limitations I put on God.

Letting go of fear.
Letting go of my future.
Letting go of my past.

Letting go so that I can live in the present, and live as if I really DO believe.

I am a follower of Jesus Christ, God in the flesh, the One who came to live among us, and die among us.  The one whom God raised from the dead, and who sits at the right hand of God the Father Almighty, who loves us with a love that will never let us go, who gave us the gift of His Holy Spirit, just as a down payment of what it will be like to live in His FULL Presence.

It's time to let go of everything that doesn't confirm this reality in my life.

It's time to let go...and LIVE.

Permission to be human...

I am so thankful to my brothers and sisters in the faith who have 

granted me the grace to be, well, a human being.

To Henri Nouwen who gives me permission to FEEL, and feel DEEPLY.  When I read Nouwen's works I am less alone with these feelings because Nouwen understands and is somehow able to beautifully articulate exactly what I am experiencing (how does he do that?). Nouwen confirms what I want to believe -- what I NEED to believe -- that feelings of despair and depression and loneliness are not wrong or evil, they just ARE.  And while God can and will teach me a great deal from difficult times, emotional pain is real, it's a part of my faith journey, and I don't have to deny it or "get over it." I can still love Jesus and still be His follower in the midst of these feelings.



To Richard Middleton who gives me permission to read the Bible and enter into the story and discover, once again, that the Bible is an account of real people with real struggles who were desperately trying to figure out how to follow God in the midst of the battle.  In his chapel address entitled, "Can We Trust God In the Midst of Radical Disappointment," he demonstrated that yes, indeed, we can trust God, AND we can be brutally honest with God as well.  Jeremiah certainly was.  So was David.  And Job.   And many others.  I am so very thankful for permission to be brutally honest with God.






To Rachel Held Evans and others who have given me permission to THINK and ASK QUESTIONS and be UNSETTLED most of the time.  Honestly, there are many days when I would love to be settled.  There are times when I long for all the "right" answers.  But I long to be honest and transparent with God more.  I long to be filled with His love and compassion more.  I long to be moved by what moves Jesus more.  I long for these things far more than I long for settledness.  At least in this life.













There are others in my life who give me permission to be a human being.  They are true gifts from God.  They are truly my brothers and sisters in Christ.  They don't try to fix me, or move on quickly to the "application" phase of my journey ("So, what is God trying to teach you through this?")

Instead, they allow me to be me, while together we turn towards Jesus Christ.  And I am most thankful that we serve a God Who knows what it is like to be us -- who knows what it is like to be a human being. 

Why I like Justin Bieber

I used to hate country music.  Fortunately, I grew up in the Chicago area where country radio stations were scarce (at least they were back then) so I could easily avoid listening to it. But then I moved down to Southern Illinois and began dating someone who regularly listened to country music.  Because I loved him, and because many of my friends down here also liked country music, I started to listen as well.  And I started to appreciate some of the artists.  And eventually I started to like some of it.

I've never fired a real gun in my life.  If I had to shoot an animal for food in order to stay alive, I would likely die of starvation.  But my son loves to hunt.  He would do it everyday if he could.  And I love my son.  So I've learned quite a few things about hunting and guns and deer (I'll even eat deer meat, if it's disguised in sausage).

I knew very little about the game of soccer, until my daughter became the "keeper."  Suddenly I wanted to learn everything I could about this game -- sweeper, mid-field, forward, wing-back, off-sides, corner kick, penalty kick -- all new to me, but I'm learning.   I'm learning, because my daughter is the goalie and I love her.










Justin Bieber?  Really?  OK, so my other daughter loved Justin (thankfully she's grown out of this stage!).  As hard as it was, I started to listen to his music.  And as hard as it is to admit now, I actually liked some of it.  I liked it, because my daughter loved it.  I invested my time and energy into the Bieb's music because I love my daughter.







When we truly love someone we look for ways to get to know them better. One of the best ways to get to know someone is to discover what they love and then invest our time in that.  We value others by showing them that their interests, their dreams, their passions are all important to us.  What inspires them, inspires us as well.  What is close to their heart becomes close to ours as well.  That is, if we truly love them.

I've changed in many ways over the years because of the people in my life.   I've come to appreciate a multitude of things -- music, sports, art, coffee, poetry, photography, and yes, even Justin Bieber -- because I've encountered people with different interests than mine and I wanted to get to know them better.

I love Jesus Christ.  But what is the measure of that love?  If my greatest desire is to follow Jesus as closely as I can and to truly live my life as a demonstration of my love for Him, how do I best accomplish that?  I believe one way is to strive to know as much about Him as I possibly can. 

• What is Jesus passionate about?  

• What inspires Him?  

• What are some of His greatest interests? 

• What is closest to His heart?

I think I know some of the answers to those questions, but there is still so much more to know.  And I want to know, because I want to love the things that Jesus loves.  I want to be inspired by the things that inspire Jesus. I want to be moved by the things that move Jesus.

Jesus is passionate about the poor, the sick, those on the margins, the forgotten.  Jesus seeks out those who are outcasts.  Jesus values the very people that many of us see as unimportant or worthless --  or worse still, we don't even see them at all.

If Jesus is God in the flesh, then to know Jesus is to know God.  To know the heart of Jesus, is to know the heart of God.  I am seeking to know.  And after knowing, may I have the courage and the resolve to be changed -- to actually DO SOMETHING with that knowledge.