I Hate Change

I'm cleaning my office....again.  It's amazing how much stuff I can accumulate in just one year.  But I love the fact that I can clean out this place.  It's the one "corner of the world" (in my case, literally -- I have a small windowless corner office) where essentially I have complete control.  My kids don't leave their clothes all over the floor, or their dishes on my desk.  If there are dishes on the desk, they are MY dishes, thank you very much.

My friend and colleague next door is also cleaning out his office, but for a different reason.  He is retiring.  And as I typed that last sentence I got a lump in my throat.  I will miss him.  Honestly, I don't like this at all.  Things aren't supposed to change like this.  People aren't supposed to leave.  I've grown accustomed to his voice and dry sense of humor.  I value his input.  I even like the fact that his number one strength is "belief" which means there is no way on earth you're going to change his mind on quite a few issues.

But it really doesn't matter what I think.  He didn't consult me before he decided to retire.  He is going to leave -- whether I like it or not.  He is going to leave, and it has nothing to do with me at all.  He is leaving because change is a part of life.

Change.  The passage of time.  Just when we think we have "all the time in the world," we discover that no, we don't. The clock really is ticking, and it's not going backwards.  This is a one-way journey.  We can't go back and fix things, make a different choice, or go another direction.  No, time travel is only in the movies.  And this is real life.

I wish I had known this earlier.  I wish I had known, when I was back in my 20's, that life really is shorter than you think.  I might have done things differently, taken more chances, traveled more, explored more.  I wish I had known this when my children were younger.  I might have spent more time just holding them as babies, taking in the wonder of new life, delighting more in their first steps, laughing more at their jokes, carefully answering their endless questions. I wish I had known -- maybe I would have done things differently.

And then again, maybe not.  Sure, I made mistakes -- lots of them.  Sure, I have regrets -- some big, some small.  But I think that most of the time, I truly did the best I could under the circumstances.  I couldn't slow things down back then either.  I couldn't stop the changes.  I couldn't freeze the moments.  I just had to live them, and do the best I could as the person I was then.

Because while circumstances and situations have changed in my life, and people have come and gone, and my "babies" haven't been babies for quite some time now, I have also changed.  I am not the same person I was.  My 51 year-old self would likely handle the toddler years differently than my younger self did, but my younger self did the best she could.  My 51 year-old self would likely have handled things differently just a few years ago, or even last year, but again, I think I did the best I could as the person I was.

This journey is all about change.  Like it or not.  And actually, I am very grateful that I'm not the same person I was years ago, or even last year.  I am grateful for the changes that have occurred within my heart over the years.  Most of all, I am exceedingly grateful that God has been with me through all these changes (some very painful), patiently loving me as He shapes and molds and  conforms me more and more into the Image of His Son.

We are all on this journey.  Sometimes we travel in large groups.  Sometimes in small groups.  Sometimes with just one other person.  And sometimes we must travel alone -- with God alone.  All the places we travel, the struggles and trials we face, the experiences we have, and especially the people we have the privilege of traveling alongside, however briefly -- all of these change us.  I am so thankful for the precious people God has given me as traveling companions.  And I look forward to the day when we all reach our destination -- together.